The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
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We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Sorry my hands just texted you
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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