So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
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He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
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We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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