My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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