Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
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My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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