when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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