If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
me + whiskey = a bad person
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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