I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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