i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I wear drunk well.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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