Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
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they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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