So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
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I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
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I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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