The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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