i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
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Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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