Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
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And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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