Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
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Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
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Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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