i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize