I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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