happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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