i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
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I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
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Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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