just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
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So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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