please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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