There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
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I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
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I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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