So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
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You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
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dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
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