i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just pee around me
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize