I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
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He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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