it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
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She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
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Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
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