if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
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I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
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I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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