okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
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Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
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I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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