You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
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We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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