he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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