how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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