someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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