I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
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Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
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Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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