It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
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i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
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I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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