All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
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How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
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Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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