u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand Curling. That high.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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