I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
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i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
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I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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