my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
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Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
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I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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