i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
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You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
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I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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