my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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