I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
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You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
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They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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