The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
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you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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