I think I won the penis lottery.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
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Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He has the fingertips of a God
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