If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize