last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
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I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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