I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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