I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
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she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
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I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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