I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize