I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
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counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
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Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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