3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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