i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
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I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
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Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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